I recently traveled to Copenhagen, Denmark for a six-day workshop with the amazing Patricia Walden. While I was there, I had a breakthrough in my thinking about my practice. I love my practice, but sometimes feel a little oppressed by my limitations and the need to spend much precious practice time working to open tight parts.
My menstrual cycle started the same day I arrived in Copenhagen, so the first day of the workshop was day 2 of my cycle. As a result, for the first few days of the workshop, I followed a modified program. As I watched other people do visvamitrasana and other exciting, action-packed poses, I resolved (for maybe the 8000th time since I started practicing), “this is it; once I finish my cycle, I’m going to apply myself with new vigor to my practice. It’s going to be Megan Unleashed!” Throughout the next day or two, I kept looking forward to the "Megan Unleashed!" phase of my life - it was going to be so great.
After a few days, my cycle wound down and I started doing the poses with the group. Backbending was great. I didn’t feel particularly leashed. Then we started doing eka pada adho mukha svanasana, urdhva prasarita eka padasana, and utthita hasta padangusthasana. What an awakening! I didn’t feel as much leashed as encased in cement - my body was so heavy and immobile. I had to laugh at myself - at my delusion - there was no leash to snap off - there was a weight greater than what I could lift. I felt frustration rising - how was I going to generate the enthusiasm to work while feeling squashed under my own weight? When I try to lift my leg in utthita hasta padangusthasana, it weighs a ton. Nothing moves, except my heart, which sinks. That’s when I usually decide to try to get around the immobility in my practice - go back to slow patient stretching; do poses to keep strengthening the front thigh muscles; keep trying to analyze and root out causes, like imbalances. Maybe I can’t move because I’m stuck somewhere. So much for Megan Unleashed! - back to Megan Plodding - boo hoo.
But then I had a flash. That’s when I realized that it’s not going to be like a training montage from a movie, where I start weak and dejected and then start jumping rope and going for early morning runs and then end up running up a huge set of steps victoriously. It’s not the body, but the mind that I have to unleash - from that frustrating feeling of being encased in a cement-like body. If I can work with my mind, I can spend the time I need. I can get stronger by staying cheerful in that moment of heaviness. I can unleash myself, but it has to be an inner unleashing. I have to work with cheerful inner vigor and cultivate disinterest in the fruits of my labor.