You are very observant, but your way of expressing your observations is ineffective.
The dogs need a walk, but it’s raining.
You are very observant, and you can be more effective in how you express your observations.
The dogs need a walk and it’s raining.
One thing I’ve learned over the past few years is to use “and” in place of “but” as often as possible – and it’s possible much more often than I had suspected. This reframing can be transformational. I keep noticing thoughtful people substituting “and” for “but” and I want to cheer when they do.
When we use “but” we are trying to create certainty and exclusion. We are constructing duality (not this, but that). The word “but” brings up or represents internal resistance, a little wall between thoughts.
When we use “and” we are willing to reach for growth and inclusion. We are stepping outside the duality (hot vs. cold, happy vs. sad) that leads to suffering. We are letting down internal resistance to the conditions we observe. We are tolerating the discomfort of allowing two thoughts to coexist at the same time, not requiring that it be one or the other.
The feelings we feel when using the two words are completely different. Think of someone you love who has a quality that grates on you. We notice the people nearest us with the closest attention, so it shouldn’t be hard.
If you say, “Aunt Elaine is the soul of kindness; she has done me and many others a world of good, but she has terrible judgement in friends and is an awful driver;” that “but” pretty much cancels out the first sentiment; Aunt Elaine has had a real positive effect on people, but who cares? Let’s examine her flaws.
On the other hand, if you say “Aunt Elaine is the soul of kindness; she has done me and many others a world of good, and she has terrible judgement in friends and is an awful driver;” that changes the whole tone. Now, her positive characteristics and her personal challenges are more balanced. They co-exist. There’s more compassion in that sentence and maybe more of a willingness to help and support Aunt Elaine, rather than just judge her. Maybe the story of her terrible judgment is not a complete story, maybe her driving isn’t even as bad as we like to imagine. The openness of using “and” invites more examination of Aunt Elaine, and possibly the speaker’s intentions, as well.
Even the sounds of the words have such a different quality – you can imagine spluttering “but, but, but…” while preparing to fend off some unwanted information. You might be spluttering in defense of your use of “but” right now…
“And” is an open-mouth word, with softer consonants, more exhalation, more room for pause and contemplation. More heart. “And” is found in the word “Ānanda,” (it’s contained within the particle “nanda”), which means bliss.
“But” means disagreement; “and” implies agreement.
“Yes, and” is a cardinal rule of improv – an improviser must accept whatever a fellow improviser offers and build on it. Here’s a little piece about it and how it is used in business and other organizations to brainstorm and build relationships.
“But” is all puritanical fear and control. “And” is a celebration of life. “But” is bitter. “And” is sweet and creamy. “But” leads to pouting. “And” leads to laughter. “Your car was just towed.” “But it’s my birthday!” or “Your car was just towed.” “And it’s my birthday!”
“And” is particularly helpful when dealing with change and difficult topics. We might notice that old ways of doing things have value and they are problematic. “And” is very useful here. For example, consider the sentence:
“I’d like to be inclusive and use people’s preferred pronouns, but it’s not grammatically correct to say “they” when referring to an individual.” Case closed, mind closed. Crankiness sets in.
Versus:
“I’d like to be inclusive and use people’s preferred pronouns, and I’m struggling with using words differently than how I was taught to use them.”
Notice that using “and” encourages more reflection. It’s not just that using “they/them” for an individual is grammatically incorrect, according to an imaginary God-of-language-rules-that-never-change; “and” encourages an acknowledgement that it’s a struggle for the speaker to deal with change, even though we know that language changes over time. We just resist having it changed when it’s inconvenient or noticeably for the benefit of someone who isn’t us. Here is one article about changes to the English language over time.
And…”but” has its uses. It can be used to add a crystalline clarity to a pointed sentence. Sometimes we want to pierce our ignorance, our inattentiveness. “We know we have to change our ways to make things better, but we become brittle when inconvenienced and don’t give change a chance.” That pointed quality can be helpful… in small doses. And and and, most of us suffer and cause suffering from using “but” too often, so this article is about the intentional use of “and” instead. Go forth, joyfully embracing “and!” Go overboard, be messy, make mistakes! Examine whether and how applying more “and” can make your life and relationships better!
More reading:
Here's another article on the same topic.